Is God a Baddie?

~In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth~

And the Earth was without Form and Void and there was Darkness upon the face of the Deep…

And the spirit of God moved upon the face of the Earth to relieve the Boredom of the Darkness, (God got high on all sorts of uppers, downers, psychedelics, etc first because he later invented some very trippy stuff like rainbows, turtles, nudibranchs, dry ice, and Mucho Mucho Amor.

It all inspired God to create more random things, including countless stars and the sun, which is a star as well, but we’re just assuming that because we haven’t been near any other suns or stars to compare them.

He made Dirt and Rocks as well and invented Water, which is interesting stuff and very pleasant, especially if you like having baths or staying alive.

He then createth the Humans.

Actually let’s go back a bit, before all the Humans there were the Dinosaurs that he also createth. Apparently, dinosaurs are where birds come from. You can decide if this is true by studying the photo of the dinosaur below, which Humans recently reconstructed with advanced computer science blockchain technology;

He also probably invented fungi, like very giant and very small mushrooms that do weird stuff. Although it may have been the aliens who invented those things.

But he did invent aliens so that means he also invented anything they invented.
And he definitely created sharks with the biggest teeth ever, but they all died or swimming would be potentially more thrilling. He left some small sharks, around just for fun.

He then createth the Cute Animals like Kittens, Axolotls, and Quokkas for sharing on the Internet.

And God did createth the bugs as well, and the stinging Jellyfishes. And Venus fly traps he madeth. And then flies for them to catcheth.

And other Insects that are a pain in the ass he createth, like ticks, which are no use to anyone at all, and Mosquitoes which make chocolate and so we can’t go killing all of them. And Tsetse flies that biteth. And all the very unpleasant diseases they carry.

And then he got bored of the dinosaurs, so he killed them all with asteroids (which he also invented) while nobody was watching although he struggled a bit getting rid of the evidence, but then also made sure that paleontologists were so badly paid that all of them were poor and people wouldn’t believe what they said because nobody listens to poor people.

At some point, he created monkeys and chimps and bananas for them to eat and trees to swing off of.

Let’s also not forget he made the Panda Bears, the cuddliest and most incapable animal on Earth, and gave the exclusive rights to the Chinese Communist Party to use them for doing politics that even He Himself didn’t quite understand.

He created nice flowers so that men who are in big trouble but unsure why could buy them for their wives and girlfriends. More on that later.

Then at some point, he finally did createth the Humans, by recycling spare parts from some monkeys that happened to be lying around.

And he saw them misbehaving and doing things that they shouldn’t really be doing, and making a fucking mess of the Environment that He had created,

instead of just focusing on having more sex (which he purposely made extremely enjoyable, erroneously thinking that the Humans would be endlessly praising him while crying tears of gratitude for this precious gift).

But Humans just behaved like blind lemmings, leading each other to foolish doom…

all the while breaking the Very Nice Things he made and pillaging everything from the top of the mountains to the very bottom of the sea, and even drilling into the Earth as far into it as they could to really make a real wreck of things

His Earth was supposed to be like a nice Japanese Rock Garden, except bigger and with some pleasant features and creatures to look at or maybe eat now and again;

He definitely did not want the World to be a free-for-all mosh pit for piles of frustrated, disrespectful, pink and sweaty cum-filled vandals to ungratefully desecrate.

The thing is though, as we mentioned, he created the Humans out of monkey parts. But he gave them a brain that was a bit different to the other animals, just for a laugh.

This brain was way too large and complicated for them to handle. It was a bit like strapping a supercharged V8 engine on a plastic tricycle with no brakes. So the Humans predictably malfunctioned and even very clever people got all confused about pretty much everything. In fact, the cleverest people got the most confused af.

Sitting back invisibly in the Heavens, God had a great laugh watching his over-brained creation try to work the simplest shit out while making piles of rookie mistakes.

But then Humans became increasingly more unreliable and didn’t listen to his Word – (although to be fair, it’s not known if God actually made any Rules or told anyone about his Word)

Luckily wasn’t too hard to make the Humans believe any sort of fairy tale, it was made easier by way of the unreliable and oversize brain they were given by God himself.

All one needed to create any sort of a cult for Humans to follow in a daze was to make fantastical Death Insurance claims, threaten the poor humans with Eternal Roasting, Extended Punishment, Karma, etc or even easier, just tell some Humans that they too can belong to your Big Club and if they do, then they are more important than the other ‘normal’ humans who aren’t in your Big Club and you won’t kill or maim them anymore.

Now, unfortunately, Humans increasingly began believing the fairy tales that some other Humans wrote were ‘true’ and others thought they probably weren’t true, and then other others thought that their fairy tale was the most truest and all the other fairy tales were barefaced lies so anyone telling them should be maimed or murdered.

Sadly, the whole thing erupted into a very very very large brawl that lasted until today and is still going while God himself is sighing invisibly, somewhere behind a Veil of Mystery that hides His presence very effectively.

He could even be hiding in a Godly Bed under some Heavenly Covers waiting for all the crazy sh*t happening back on Earth to blow over…

Humans, meanwhile, invented new ways to gently convince each other whose fairy tale is the most truest.

However, things eventually got properly out of hand when Humans put their unreliable and oversized brains to use inventing ingenious and surprisingly varied Deathing Tools, starting with clubs and spears, then progressing to firesticks which could kill someone simply by pointing the end of it at them then moving a finger a tiny bit, which would send them on a quick one-way ride back to God Himself.

But the Humans found that these one-by-one Deathing Tools were way too cumbersome and inefficient, so they decided to invent some truly appalling mass Deathing Tools like nerve gas, grenades, nukes, anthrax, drones, and the Spice Girls, and they used these tools prolifically so that many many many many other Humans could meet their Doom prematurely.

At this point, God became a little bit displeased with these intrepid men who didn’t listen to Him at all and instead believed all sorts of made-up gobbledygook so that they could have an excuse to use their deathing tools as much as possible on each other.
So God created Women to both distract and punish Men. (He went back in time to do this because God can do what he wants)

Now, inflicting periods on women, which he did, was very unfair because periods aren’t much fun and he didn’t also inflict these on Men, because He in his Infinite Wisdom knew that this obvious unfairness would make Women exceedingly difficult and unmanageable on a regular basis in order to maximally punish these idiotic Men for all eternity.

Man attempted to adapt to this adjustment to the World by obtaining flowers for women at gas stations, bodegas, corner shops and other people’s gardens, but God just laughed at their feeble attempts to counter His Infinite Wisdom and Genius.

As a final masterstroke to complete the World in His Perfect Balance, He possibly created carbs to make the women feel fat after eating spaghetti or cake, upsetting them greatly and therefore increasing their difficulty to astronomical levels never seen before in the known Universe. This doesn’t seem to affect French women even though they love carbs, but we’re here to discuss science, not culture.

And that’s the science of how and why carbs were created, and I have lost my train of thought. There may be a part two. Or not. Anyway – God is watching and is definitely a bona fide Baddie, 100% WATB certified.