“… the most important meal of the day”
– John H. Kellogg; inventor of “Corn Flakes”, founder of Kelloggs and mutilator of gentalia
Not a Baddie?
You know when someone is probably not necessarily a Baddie, but probably just misunderstood. Well…
~That’s not this guy~
John Harvey Kellogg didn’t feel all that special, being one 17 children his fertile father J. Preston Kellogg created between his two wives. His dad also didn’t really believe in educating children, the second coming of Christ was imminent so why bother filling Junior’s head with junk like math and science and all that? So after just 3 years of school, Little Johnny was sent to be useful at his father’s broom factory, where his job was to sort brooms; long ones from short ones, thin ones from thick ones, stiff ones from… In this process (like all Baddies) he would develop a ‘complex’.
One day he looked downwards and noticed the resemblance; that day marked the beginning of a troublesome and lifelong relationship with his own Little Johnny. Perhaps he…
~Couldn’t Handle It~
…and just like that, he was on the road to becoming a Baddie.
Knowledge of the Time
Even without the support of his father, he managed to fill his head all by himself with the ‘knowledge of the time’, half of it from Seventh Day Adventist biblical stuff and the other half from Victorian ‘medical health sciences’. A conflicted hodgepodge melee inside his brain of science-ey medicine-like sounding stuff mashed up with the religious puritanical movement of the times motivated him to set up his ‘Sanitarium’ and also got him kicked out of his church, but he stood by his principles of ‘Clean Living’ and abstained from pretty much everything except for all the usual yogurt enemas, lightbulb saunas, and electric shocks. The world was all going to know his name because this guy was going to sow his oats in a very different way from the rest of us…
Honey-no-moon
To everyone’s surprise, John H Kellogg ended up somehow marrying an actual woman. She was a perfect match for him.
Ella Ervilla Eaton and J.H Kellogg spent their honeymoon romantically writing 156 pages on the benefits of not having sex. The two virgins waxed lyrical on paper, extolling the benefits of a sex-free life, (being experts in not ever having had it), before retiring to their separate bedrooms without so much as a peck on the cheek. This sexless relationship continued until Ella’s death in 1920 – the shock of the ‘Roaring Twenties’ was a bit much for her and after seeing one too many adverts featuring godless burlesque dancers foamed up to the nipples with soapy suds in giant transparent martini-glass shaped baths, she had a fit of apopopoopoelckesy and passed over to a better place (where we pray to the good Lord that for her sake that there are fewer sexless Seventh Day Adventist people and far more people who do indeed have the sex aplenty).
No-Fap
Nonetheless, in the meantime, Kellogg and Ella were bound by a passion to stop the world fapping itself blind or worse, widespread crazing and paralysis through all the frantic victorian-era onanism. Because ‘religious science doctors’ in the Victorian world of 1890 said that’s what the ‘vinegar strokes’ would do to you.
~Vinegar Strokes~
In absentia; by JH Kellog.
Vinegar strokes,
Apricot pokes,
Activities leading to
Floating of boats.
–
Stroker beware
While fondling the bear,
As the spasms and fits
Lead to losing of wits…
–
When the cat’s to be played
There’s a price to be paid,
Because stroking it faster
Simply leads to disaster!
–
The Corn Flakes I made
Are a restraining aid,
A pure act of kindness
To stop all the blindness.
This is because Kellogg heard from God that the genitalia the Lord had graciously endowed us with, should never ever ever under any circumstances be used to give us the sensual pleasure that it appears to have been designed and crafted (with utmost care) specifically for. Heaven forbid this genitalia be seen (unless absolutely necessary) or touched with the hands or, worse, be used to have sex with!
With this in mind, Kellogg and his team helped God with His mission and killed two ‘birds’ with one stone, by designing the world’s most famously bland breakfast cereal. Unbelievably, by designing a fap-free cereal, Kellogg became famous and wealthy!
Fap-free guarantee!
After one hundred years, Corn Flakes remain one of the world’s most popular fap-free breakfasts, shrinking winkies, dulling love-buttons, creating armies of diabetics, and rotting perfectly good teeth in most of the known world. This cereal spawned endless other copycat breakfast foods which do the same thing to a person as far as fap motivation, oral decay and metabolic disease go. Corn Flakes and their over-processed middle-shelf partners are the food equivalent of having a lukewarm shower on a frisky day, getting punched in the mouth and kicked in the organs all at once, but believe it or not, millions still buy it and throw it down their cake-holes every morning like its the Most Important Meal of the Day.
So we at WATB recommend you start Protest Fapping for breakfast as soon as you are awake, instead of actually eating any more of this junk food. After more than a century of eating human fap-free kibble, it’s a solid step forwards to setting things that this Baddie made wrong, right! Or left, depending on your preference.
